I cannot update my website, so I am writing here. I can't keep it in any longer.

I feel depressed. But not depressed as in suicidal depressed, but depressed as in "I'm hurt, and scared, and unhappy right now, and just overall feel like a complete and utter failure at everything in life, especially my relationship."

Problems have happened.

I don't know if it's my intuition or if it's my hypersensitivity, but I have been receiving warning bells. These warning bells are telling me "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! Do not step on that landmine!"

I feel, not like I am tip-toeing on eggshells, but I am tip-toeing around landmines. Everything I say or do annoys everybody I know. Be it my mother, my father, my fiancé, everyone. I don't understand how one person [me] could possibly annoy SO MANY PEOPLE SIMULTANEOUSLY.

It seems unfathomable, but somehow it is true. I keep getting lectures from my parents about how I act, what I say, how to behave, what to do, what not to say or do. It's hard to keep track of sometimes. I think I have lost most of my educated smarts because they keep filling my head with all of that bullshit.

So I'm a horrible person. So what. I can't possibly believe that EVERYTHING I do is wrong. That everything I say is wrong. It seems completely absurd that I am THIS unlovable.

Everybody has some good in them, right?

Apparently I don't. As is told by my parents. As is told by my fiancé.

He says that I need to toughen up, need to have thicker skin, need to stop taking things so seriously and personally. Maybe I am overly sensitive. Maybe I do have thin skin. Maybe I do need to toughen up. But at the risk of hurting me so unbelievably? I don't know.

I jump at every tiny complimentary morsel he feeds me like it's my last meal and I'm frickin' jesus.

I think, what it boils down to, is that the deeper I fall for someone the more scared I become. I have an almost borderline irrational fear of being hurt. I've been hurt so badly in the past that I feel broken, but glued together. Not quite mended, but at least semi-whole by way of crazy glue.

So because I love him so SO much, more than anything, I am SO SO scared to lose him. I'm scared he's looking for somebody better at this moment. I'm scared that he might cheat, or that he will push me away, or he will realize what a complete bore I am. I am scared that he is looking for entertainment elsewhere. I am scared I am pushing him away.

I will probably lose him if I keep this up, I know. And I keep telling myself to shut the fuck up. But it's getting a little hard to listen to myself over all my emotions.

All I need is for him to have a five minute serious conversation with me wherein he tells me how he feels about me. I need him to wipe away my fears. I feel needy, but I can't help it. I just want him to tell me that he loves me so unbearably much and that he can't wait to be with me all the time, and how much he can't wait to touch me and kiss me, and he loves my smile and my body and my mind and everything about me and how much I mean to him and that I am THE ONE that he wants forever, and that he won't and doesn't want anyone else and that I make him happy, more happy than he's been in a long time. Maybe it's too much to ask for. I don't know. I just think I deserve to hear all of these things in a serious manner rather than the jokes all the time. Jokes and sarcasm. I need a five minute reprieve!

I'm taking time to myself. I'm gone.*

ADDENDUM: I'm going to keep playing "Cum On Feel The Noise" by Quiet Riot til I drown out the voices and emotions swirling around my mind. I wish I could flush them down a toilet.